Platypus Jokes

Love is beautiful

2007-12-11T13:54:00.000-02:00

Sometimes love is found in the most unlikely places, and it seems that an unusual summer romance is destined to survive the European winter. A black female swan apparently fell in love with a white swan, much bigger than herself. The problem is that this white swan is, in fact, a plastic pedal boat that is used by tourists visiting a lake in the German city of Münster.

As winter approaches, the boat must be taken out of the lake, but its owner decided to keep it close to the real swan, so that the odd couple won't be separated.

Read more about this curious story in this short Newsvine summary. You can also register to leave a comment there.

Merry Christmas, Mr Bean!

2007-12-10T15:37:00.000-02:00

Never let Mr Bean get too close to the Nativity Scene... or go shopping at Harrod's!

Santa and his very own "Elite Squad..."

2007-12-04T21:45:00.000-02:00

sent by Chris

Silly questions... brilliant answers!

2007-10-24T11:07:00.000-02:00

sent by Murilo

The following questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism website and were answered by the website owner.

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking or sniffing.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres. Take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes...

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me a list of them in Johannesburg, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get there and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh, forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q:Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. Good examples of snakes as pets are mambas (both green and black), rinkhals and municipal workers.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

My brand new bike

2007-09-08T11:10:00.000-03:00

sent by Juliano

If you've never ridden a motorcycle before, you'd better be extra careful and start slowly...

What really moves the arrow!

2007-08-22T15:53:00.000-03:00

sent by Cris

Have you ever stopped to think what really makes the arrow move on your monitor when you move the mouse? Well, the Japanese invented a magnifying glass that allows you to see how it all works. Click on this link and, when the page loads, move your mouse, then stop. :-)

I hope it's not really an emergency!

2007-08-21T20:22:00.001-03:00

sent by Aline

25 signs you are a grown-up

2007-08-12T21:01:00.000-03:00

sent by Cris

1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Fooling around in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favourite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie = The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

Restroom signs

2007-08-03T21:26:00.000-03:00

sent by Aline

The signs speak for themselves! :-)

If restaurants worked like Microsoft...

2007-07-27T09:34:00.000-03:00

sent by Ana

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the for, the fly is stil there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm... that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that got to do with the fly in my soup?
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day, each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what's the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[Waiter leaves]
Patron: Waiter! There's a bug in my soup!

See a funny video about helpdesk in the Middle Ages!

What's the weather like?

2007-07-24T18:25:00.000-03:00

sent by André

A Glossary for Research Reports

2007-07-20T12:16:00.000-03:00

Do you need to write or read research reports in English? Here is what they say… and what they really mean!!!

“It has been known that…” - I haven’t bothered to look up the original reference
“… of great theoretical and practical importance” - interesting to me
“While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions…” - the experiments didn’t work out, but I figured I could at least get a publication out of it.
“A fiducial reference line” - a scratch
“… accidentally strained during mounting.” - dropped on the floor
“… handled with extreme care throughout the experiments.” - not dropped on the floor
“Typical results are shown…” - the best results are shown
“Presumably at longer times” - I didn’t take the time to find out
“The agreement with the predicted curve is excellent.” - fair
“Good” - poor
“Satisfactory” - doubtful
“Fair” - imaginary
“… as good as could be expected.” - non-existent
“These results will be reported at a later date.” - I might possibly get round to doing this sometime
“The most reliable values are those of Jones.” - He was my student
“It is suggested / It is believed that…” - I think
“It is generally believed that…” - A couple of other guys think so too
“It is clear that much additional work will be required.” - I don’t understand it before a complete understanding.
“Unfortunately, a quantitative theory to account for these effects has not been formulated.” - Neither does anybody else
“Correct within an order of magnitude.” - wrong
“It is hoped that this work will stimulate further work in the field.” - This paper isn’t very good, but neither are any of the others in this miserable subject
“Thanks are due to Joe Glotz for assistance with experiments and to John Doe for valuable discussions.” - Glotz did the work and Doe explained what it meant

from the book “Random Walks in Science”

George W. Bush...

2007-07-17T15:51:00.000-03:00

sent by Luiz F.

I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." (Bush in Washington, D.C., May 25, 2004)

Is that what you heard?

2007-07-16T11:12:00.000-03:00

Here's another funny Maxell TV commercial, using the song "Into the Valley"... It's sometimes hard to understand what people sing!!! :-)

And here is what he said...

Into the valley
Betrothed and divine
Realisations no virtue
But who can define
Why soldiers go marching
Those masses a line
This disease is catching
From victory to stone
Ahoy! Ahoy! Land, sea and sky
Ahoy! Ahoy! Boy, man and soldier
Ahoy! Ahoy! Deceived and then punctured
Ahoy! Ahoy! Long may they die

English-Portuguese translation?

2007-07-15T12:17:00.000-03:00

sent by Daisy

This is not exactly a new joke, but in times of Pan American Games, it's worth reading again! You must know Portuguese for this... This is a direct (and very innacurate!) English translation of the names of some places in Rio!

PAN 2007 - Rio de Janeiro

German Mountain - Morro do Alemão

Big Field - Campo Grande

Nice to meet you - Encantado

Will Go now - Irajá

O walk there - Andaraí

Dry Square - Praça Seca

Set fire - Botafogo

Customers - Freguesia

Very very Holy - Santíssimo

Patience - Paciência

Setting free - Livramento

Good Success - Bonsucesso

Very deep island - Ilha do Fundão

Grandson Rabbit - Coelho Neto

Hard Cover - Cascadura

Priest Michael - Padre Miguel

Mercy - Piedade!

t's very cheap! - Pechincha

Bless you - Saúde

Flag Square - Praça da Bandeira

Flagmen Funtime - Recreio dos Bandeirantes

Small Farm - Rocinha

Holy Cross - Santa Cruz

Hello, smile - Olaria

Mango Tree - Mangueira

Inside Mill - Engenho de Dentro

Alligator to the water! - Jacarepaguá

You are what you read: American newspapers

2007-07-14T10:43:00.000-03:00

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time --and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. None of these are read by the guy who is running the country into the ground.

Opposites...

2007-07-11T12:47:00.000-03:00

sent by Fernando A.

Different generations, different vocabulary... While the teacher was perhaps thinking about the "pros and cons", the student - probably an RPG buff - was thinking about professionals X newbies (or 'noobs')... Another example of generation gap?

Hard times...

2007-07-08T15:54:00.000-03:00

Asleep at your desk!

2007-07-05T21:05:00.000-03:00

sent by Alessandra

Fifteen responses if your boss finds you asleep at your desk...
15. "Oh, man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"
14. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
13. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
12. "Oh, hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
11. "I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "I'm doing the "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
8. "This is a highly specific Yoga position to relieve work-related stress."
7. "Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"
6. "Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
5. "I'm in the management training program."
4. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
3. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
2. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
1. "...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss. Amen."

A German letter in English

2007-07-03T11:00:00.000-03:00

sent by Oskar, a friend in Heidelberg

Hi friends! This is a funny letter of a businessman complaining to an American firm. It's a mix of German and English, so read the text aloud to understand the words! =)

A firm in Germany ordered coffee from a firm in the United States. While enroute, a couple of bags of the coffee broke open and rats nested in it. The German firm sent the following letter concerning the coffee:

136 Wilhelmstrauss
Hamburg Germany
American Zone

Chentelmens,

Der last two pecketches ve gott from you vas koffee mit der rattschidt gemixt. Der koffee may be gut enuff, but der ratturds schpoils der trade. Ve did not zee der rattschidt in der zamples vich you zent to us for eggzamination.

Id takes zo much time to pek der rattschidt from der koffee. Ve order der koffee kleen, und you schipp schidt mixt der koffee - it vas a mischtak, ya?
Ve like you to schipp us der koffee in vun zak and der rattschidt in der oder zak, den ve can mix it to zuit der kostomers.

Vite us blease, if ve schouldt schipp der schidt bek and keep der koffee, or if ve schouldt keep der schidt and schipp der koffee bek, odervise ve schipp der hole schidden vorks bek.

Ve vant to do rite in dis madder, but ve don’t like dis rattschidt bizzness.

Mit much respectks,

V. Uhligschid III
Villie Uhligschid III

Very flexible hours!

2007-07-02T22:14:00.000-03:00

What performance reports really mean...

2007-07-02T12:46:00.000-03:00

sent by Marco

Next time you receive your assessment card...

Feeling bored on the elevator? Try these...

2007-07-02T12:10:00.000-03:00

sent by Murilo

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just SHUT UP!"
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. Do Tai Chi exercises.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
11. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
12. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
13. Leave a box between the doors.
14. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
16. Lean against the button panel.
17. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
18. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
20. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
21. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Rowan Atkinson welcomes you to Hell

2007-07-01T18:08:00.000-03:00

sent by Paulo

Everybody knows Rowan Atkinson as Mr. Bean, a lot of people will also remember him in The Black Adder. But I think his acid sense of humour is best seen when he's doing stand-up comedy. Here is Atkinson as the Devil (but you can call him Toby if you like...) welcoming newcomers to Hell. The video has subtitles in English, so it's a great opportunity to listen and read the script at the same time! My favourite line? "Lawyers, you're in that lot too." I wonder where he will place politicians...

Phrases For Your "Out-Of-The-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply

2007-06-30T19:04:00.000-03:00

sent by Gabrio

- I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
- I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
- You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
- Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctor's having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.
- I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
- Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
- The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.
- Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system.You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
- Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
- I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.
- Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
- Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
- I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY:
- I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.'

Calvin and the thesis...

2007-06-30T18:24:00.000-03:00

A good thesis, as Calvin quickly learned, begins with a catchy title! I should remember that when I write mine...

Reading employment ads

2007-06-29T18:44:00.000-03:00

Have you ever wondered what those employment ads are really saying?

"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you.
"Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.
"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.
"Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.
"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left.
"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.
"Requires Team Leadership Skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.
"Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.