A German letter in English

sent by Oskar, a friend in Heidelberg

Hi friends! This is a funny letter of a businessman complaining to an American firm. It's a mix of German and English, so read the text aloud to understand the words! =)

A firm in Germany ordered coffee from a firm in the United States. While enroute, a couple of bags of the coffee broke open and rats nested in it. The German firm sent the following letter concerning the coffee:

136 Wilhelmstrauss
Hamburg Germany
American Zone

Chentelmens,

Der last two pecketches ve gott from you vas koffee mit der rattschidt gemixt. Der koffee may be gut enuff, but der ratturds schpoils der trade. Ve did not zee der rattschidt in der zamples vich you zent to us for eggzamination.

Id takes zo much time to pek der rattschidt from der koffee. Ve order der koffee kleen, und you schipp schidt mixt der koffee - it vas a mischtak, ya?
Ve like you to schipp us der koffee in vun zak and der rattschidt in der oder zak, den ve can mix it to zuit der kostomers.

Vite us blease, if ve schouldt schipp der schidt bek and keep der koffee, or if ve schouldt keep der schidt and schipp der koffee bek, odervise ve schipp der hole schidden vorks bek.

Ve vant to do rite in dis madder, but ve don’t like dis rattschidt bizzness.

Mit much respectks,

V. Uhligschid III
Villie Uhligschid III

What performance reports really mean...

sent by Marco

Next time you receive your assessment card...

Feeling bored on the elevator? Try these...

sent by Murilo

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just SHUT UP!"
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. Do Tai Chi exercises.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
11. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
12. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
13. Leave a box between the doors.
14. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
16. Lean against the button panel.
17. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
18. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
20. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
21. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Phrases For Your "Out-Of-The-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply

sent by Gabrio

- I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
- I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
- You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
- Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctor's having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management.
- I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
- Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
- The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.
- Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queueing system.You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
- Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
- I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.
- Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
- Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
- I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY:
- I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.'

Reading employment ads

Have you ever wondered what those employment ads are really saying?

"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you.
"Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.
"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.
"Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.
"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left.
"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.
"Requires Team Leadership Skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.
"Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.