sent by Ana
Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the for, the fly is stil there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm... that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that got to do with the fly in my soup?
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day, each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what's the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[Waiter leaves]
Patron: Waiter! There's a bug in my soup!
See a funny video about helpdesk in the Middle Ages!
27 July 2007
24 July 2007
20 July 2007
A Glossary for Research Reports
Do you need to write or read research reports in English? Here is what they say… and what they really mean!!!
“It has been known that…” - I haven’t bothered to look up the original reference
“… of great theoretical and practical importance” - interesting to me
“While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions…” - the experiments didn’t work out, but I figured I could at least get a publication out of it.
“A fiducial reference line” - a scratch
“… accidentally strained during mounting.” - dropped on the floor
“… handled with extreme care throughout the experiments.” - not dropped on the floor
“Typical results are shown…” - the best results are shown
“Presumably at longer times” - I didn’t take the time to find out
“The agreement with the predicted curve is excellent.” - fair
“Good” - poor
“Satisfactory” - doubtful
“Fair” - imaginary
“… as good as could be expected.” - non-existent
“These results will be reported at a later date.” - I might possibly get round to doing this sometime
“The most reliable values are those of Jones.” - He was my student
“It is suggested / It is believed that…” - I think
“It is generally believed that…” - A couple of other guys think so too
“It is clear that much additional work will be required.” - I don’t understand it before a complete understanding.
“Unfortunately, a quantitative theory to account for these effects has not been formulated.” - Neither does anybody else
“Correct within an order of magnitude.” - wrong
“It is hoped that this work will stimulate further work in the field.” - This paper isn’t very good, but neither are any of the others in this miserable subject
“Thanks are due to Joe Glotz for assistance with experiments and to John Doe for valuable discussions.” - Glotz did the work and Doe explained what it meant
from the book “Random Walks in Science”
“It has been known that…” - I haven’t bothered to look up the original reference
“… of great theoretical and practical importance” - interesting to me
“While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions…” - the experiments didn’t work out, but I figured I could at least get a publication out of it.
“A fiducial reference line” - a scratch
“… accidentally strained during mounting.” - dropped on the floor
“… handled with extreme care throughout the experiments.” - not dropped on the floor
“Typical results are shown…” - the best results are shown
“Presumably at longer times” - I didn’t take the time to find out
“The agreement with the predicted curve is excellent.” - fair
“Good” - poor
“Satisfactory” - doubtful
“Fair” - imaginary
“… as good as could be expected.” - non-existent
“These results will be reported at a later date.” - I might possibly get round to doing this sometime
“The most reliable values are those of Jones.” - He was my student
“It is suggested / It is believed that…” - I think
“It is generally believed that…” - A couple of other guys think so too
“It is clear that much additional work will be required.” - I don’t understand it before a complete understanding.
“Unfortunately, a quantitative theory to account for these effects has not been formulated.” - Neither does anybody else
“Correct within an order of magnitude.” - wrong
“It is hoped that this work will stimulate further work in the field.” - This paper isn’t very good, but neither are any of the others in this miserable subject
“Thanks are due to Joe Glotz for assistance with experiments and to John Doe for valuable discussions.” - Glotz did the work and Doe explained what it meant
from the book “Random Walks in Science”
17 July 2007
George W. Bush...
sent by Luiz F.
I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." (Bush in Washington, D.C., May 25, 2004)
I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." (Bush in Washington, D.C., May 25, 2004)
16 July 2007
Is that what you heard?
Here's another funny Maxell TV commercial, using the song "Into the Valley"... It's sometimes hard to understand what people sing!!! :-)
And here is what he said...
Into the valley
Betrothed and divine
Realisations no virtue
But who can define
Why soldiers go marching
Those masses a line
This disease is catching
From victory to stone
Ahoy! Ahoy! Land, sea and sky
Ahoy! Ahoy! Boy, man and soldier
Ahoy! Ahoy! Deceived and then punctured
Ahoy! Ahoy! Long may they die
And here is what he said...
Into the valley
Betrothed and divine
Realisations no virtue
But who can define
Why soldiers go marching
Those masses a line
This disease is catching
From victory to stone
Ahoy! Ahoy! Land, sea and sky
Ahoy! Ahoy! Boy, man and soldier
Ahoy! Ahoy! Deceived and then punctured
Ahoy! Ahoy! Long may they die
15 July 2007
English-Portuguese translation?
sent by DaisyThis is not exactly a new joke, but in times of Pan American Games, it's worth reading again! You must know Portuguese for this... This is a direct (and very innacurate!) English translation of the names of some places in Rio!
PAN 2007 - Rio de Janeiro
German Mountain - Morro do Alemão
Big Field - Campo Grande
Will Go now - Irajá
O walk there - Andaraí
Dry Square - Praça Seca
Set fire - Botafogo
Customers - Freguesia
Very very Holy - Santíssimo
Patience - Paciência
Setting free - Livramento
Good Success - Bonsucesso
Very deep island - Ilha do Fundão
Grandson Rabbit - Coelho Neto
Hard Cover - Cascadura
Priest Michael - Padre Miguel
Mercy - Piedade!
t's very cheap! - Pechincha
Bless you - Saúde
Flag Square - Praça da Bandeira
Flagmen Funtime - Recreio dos Bandeirantes
Small Farm - Rocinha
Holy Cross - Santa Cruz
Hello, smile - Olaria
Mango Tree - Mangueira
Inside Mill - Engenho de Dentro
Alligator to the water! - Jacarepaguá
14 July 2007
You are what you read: American newspapers
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. 
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time --and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. None of these are read by the guy who is running the country into the ground.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country -- if they could find the time --and if they didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy provided, of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.
12. None of these are read by the guy who is running the country into the ground.
11 July 2007
Opposites...
sent by Fernando A.Different generations, different vocabulary... While the teacher was perhaps thinking about the "pros and cons", the student - probably an RPG buff - was thinking about professionals X newbies (or 'noobs')... Another example of generation gap?
08 July 2007
05 July 2007
Asleep at your desk!
sent by Alessandra
Fifteen responses if your boss finds you asleep at your desk...
15. "Oh, man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"
14. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
13. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
12. "Oh, hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
11. "I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "I'm doing the "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
8. "This is a highly specific Yoga position to relieve work-related stress."
7. "Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"
6. "Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
5. "I'm in the management training program."
4. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
3. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
2. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
1. "...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss. Amen."
Fifteen responses if your boss finds you asleep at your desk...
15. "Oh, man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"
14. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
13. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
12. "Oh, hi, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
11. "I was just meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance"
9. "I'm doing the "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
8. "This is a highly specific Yoga position to relieve work-related stress."
7. "Just pacing myself for the all-nighter tonight!"
6. "Auggh! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
5. "I'm in the management training program."
4. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
3. "Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
2. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
1. "...and I especially thank you for my excellent boss. Amen."
03 July 2007
A German letter in English
sent by Oskar, a friend in HeidelbergHi friends! This is a funny letter of a businessman complaining to an American firm. It's a mix of German and English, so read the text aloud to understand the words! =)
A firm in Germany ordered coffee from a firm in the United States. While enroute, a couple of bags of the coffee broke open and rats nested in it. The German firm sent the following letter concerning the coffee:
136 Wilhelmstrauss
Hamburg Germany
American Zone
Chentelmens,
136 Wilhelmstrauss
Hamburg Germany
American Zone
Chentelmens,
Der last two pecketches ve gott from you vas koffee mit der rattschidt gemixt. Der koffee may be gut enuff, but der ratturds schpoils der trade. Ve did not zee der rattschidt in der zamples vich you zent to us for eggzamination.
Id takes zo much time to pek der rattschidt from der koffee. Ve order der koffee kleen, und you schipp schidt mixt der koffee - it vas a mischtak, ya?
Ve like you to schipp us der koffee in vun zak and der rattschidt in der oder zak, den ve can mix it to zuit der kostomers.
Ve like you to schipp us der koffee in vun zak and der rattschidt in der oder zak, den ve can mix it to zuit der kostomers.
Vite us blease, if ve schouldt schipp der schidt bek and keep der koffee, or if ve schouldt keep der schidt and schipp der koffee bek, odervise ve schipp der hole schidden vorks bek.
Ve vant to do rite in dis madder, but ve don’t like dis rattschidt bizzness.
Ve vant to do rite in dis madder, but ve don’t like dis rattschidt bizzness.
Mit much respectks,
V. Uhligschid III
Villie Uhligschid III
V. Uhligschid III
Villie Uhligschid III
02 July 2007
Feeling bored on the elevator? Try these...
sent by Murilo
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just SHUT UP!"
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. Do Tai Chi exercises.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
11. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
12. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
13. Leave a box between the doors.
14. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
16. Lean against the button panel.
17. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
18. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
20. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
21. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just SHUT UP!"
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. Do Tai Chi exercises.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
11. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
12. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
13. Leave a box between the doors.
14. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
16. Lean against the button panel.
17. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
18. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
19. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
20. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
21. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
01 July 2007
Rowan Atkinson welcomes you to Hell
sent by Paulo
Everybody knows Rowan Atkinson as Mr. Bean, a lot of people will also remember him in The Black Adder. But I think his acid sense of humour is best seen when he's doing stand-up comedy. Here is Atkinson as the Devil (but you can call him Toby if you like...) welcoming newcomers to Hell. The video has subtitles in English, so it's a great opportunity to listen and read the script at the same time! My favourite line? "Lawyers, you're in that lot too." I wonder where he will place politicians...
Everybody knows Rowan Atkinson as Mr. Bean, a lot of people will also remember him in The Black Adder. But I think his acid sense of humour is best seen when he's doing stand-up comedy. Here is Atkinson as the Devil (but you can call him Toby if you like...) welcoming newcomers to Hell. The video has subtitles in English, so it's a great opportunity to listen and read the script at the same time! My favourite line? "Lawyers, you're in that lot too." I wonder where he will place politicians...
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